September 30, 2020

I laid awake in bed last night for a while just sitting with a feeling of disappointment in myself—wishing I was an artist. I felt deep loss and regret for something I never achieved. Impotence and desire make despair. Swallow it. Move on. Be happy that art and beauty exist elsewhere.

I don\’t think I will attend Saint John\’s College. I think I\’m going to look into trades—welding, pipefitting, carpentry, or something to that effect. 

Every time I open my damn mouth everything changes.

\”Men make plans; God laughs.\” A Yiddish proverb I read this morning in a new article. 

In alchemy, the soul is the philosopher\’s stone. It is the soul that creates value from base things. It is we who create meaning from worthlessness. 

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