June 11, 2020

I\’m just here to rant today.

I\’ve been without work for a while now. Months. Unemployment hasn\’t come through. I have spent a few hours this week waiting on the line with the unemployment office. I\’ve called literally hundreds of times. It was a miracle I got through. But my case is fucked. And I need to reach a higher tier of support, but I keep getting disconnected because the queue is full, or maybe they\’re hanging up on me for one reason or another. I actually broke down and cried today after my third time getting through the call disconnected because of a mysteriously bad signal.
It\’s hard just sitting here knowing I\’m running out of money. I won\’t be homeless. I have a plan for that. But I\’m stuck. And my future is uncertain. And when my future is uncertain, I start regretting all my past choices. 
Given all that is going on, I don\’t feel like my pain is worth mentioning to anyone. They say I have a lot going for me. But it doesn\’t feel that way, not right now. I might just be a broken prototype. You know. One of nature\’s useless iterations cast aside. Because that\’s what she does, you know: she makes us at random. Deep down inside, I know that there is more to life, the world, and nature. But right now this is all I can see and feel. And so I guess I have to feel and see that right now. 
I have about $200 of cash tips from when I was a barista. I\’m going to dig into that fund for a pack of cigarettes. And I think I\’m going to just sit on the porch and smoke and hurt today. 
HR Giger came in the mail today.

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